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Young Writers Society



Expect the Unexpected- Chapters Seventeen and Eighteen

by Chaotic Romance


Alright, well the rating had been moved back down to PG-13, but please let me know if the rating should be moved back up and if it should stay at R.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Elizabeth groaned as she rolled over, trying to remember what she had been dreaming about. Her eyes were shut tightly, but the thing that she had seen in her dream that had made her smile was gone. All she could remember seeing was a pair of blue eyes, that looked somewhat familiar but she couldn’t quite place them.

She snuggled closer to the softness of the pillows and under the warm blankets that covered her. Wait… pillows, blankets?! Her eyes shot opened and she found herself on a huge bed in a bedroom that she did not recognize.

She sat up. Where the hell was she? And how the hell had she gotten here? The last thing she remembered… she shuddered, she didn’t want to remember what had happened. She glanced around the room; it was big but with few furnishings. Besides the bed, there was a table on one side on the bed that had an alarm clock on it, 2:30… though whether that was morning or night, she didn’t know, since the windows were blocked out and no light could get through. There was desk on the wall opposite the door which happened to be to the right of the bed.

Kyle sat at the desk, staring intently at her, unblinking. She backed away on instinct. “Where am I?” she asked.

“In my room.” He answered, smirking at her reactions at seeing him sitting there. “And, I’m not going to hurt you. You’re in no condition for that.” he smirked.

She glared at him, as she crossed her arms over her chest, in a somewhat protective way; she glanced around, not wanting to look him in the eye. “What happened? Why am I here?” she asked, glancing at him again.

“Well, I’m not quite sure. I was hoping you could explain that to me.” He was giving her a half smile.

“I don’t remember.” she whispered.

“You don’t remember or you won’t remember?” he raised an eyebrow questionably at her.

She just stared at him.

He rolled his eyes after several moments of silence ensued between them. “Well, I found you bloodied and bruised in your dungeon room, not too long ago. Your clothes were either ripped or completely gone. Bring back anything?” he asked, cocking his head to the side in a very question like manner.

She paused to think. Of course, she remembered everything; she just didn’t want to retell it. He rolled his eyes after several more moments of silence, “Elizabeth, it’s not going to do you any good by not telling me.”

She was surprised at his tone; did he actually care about her? “Why do you care?” she asked suspiciously.

He smirked, “I have my reasons.” he exclaimed, as if that explained anything.

She sighed and looked away from him again. “I was raped, all right?” she asked, “Are you happy now?” she glared at him.

He ignored her question, “Is that all?” he asked, but they both knew the answer to that question.

“They-”

He interrupted her. “They? As in, plural?” he asked, his face darkening at her words.

She nodded, “Yea, there were at least three of them…” she trailed off.

He didn’t say anything to that, so she continued, “they chained me up and, and cut most of my clothes off and-and-”

“That’s enough information.” he said as he got up and made his way over to the bed, Elizabeth backed up on instinct, until her head hit the headboard. He smirked, “I told you, I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Well, I don’t believe you.”

“I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, Elizabeth, but ‘liar’ is not one of them.” he said softly. “Look, I need to make sure you’re not pregnant.”

“Oh? And how are you going to do that?” she asked, looking at him suspiciously.

“I don’t know. It’s too early to really do much of anything yet.” he shrugged, “do you feel any different?” he asked.

“Dude, I was a virgin, okay? That means I’ve never been pregnant before do you really think that I’m going to know the symptoms of pregnancy only a day after sex?” she asked, giving him a knowing look.

He stared at her for several seconds, before a slow smile spread over his face. She couldn’t believe that he was smiling, a true smile too, she didn’t even think he could smile. She didn’t even think he knew how.

“So what are you going to do?” she asked.

“Well, the doctor already took some tests, but I’m pretty sure that it’s too early to tell.”

“And how exactly did he do that? With me being unconscious?” she asked, but realizing that she really didn’t want to know. “Wait, don’t answer that… I really don’t want to know.” She shuddered at the mental picture she was getting. She didn’t like it one bit.

Kyle smirked again, he had read her mind. Again.

“Hey, stay out of my mind!” she threatened, noticing his look right away.

He raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could utter a sound the door was suddenly thrown open. Elizabeth jumped slightly, due to the sudden intrusion and the loud bang the door made as it slammed into the wall.

Standing in the doorway was a man, or rather a vampire, someone that Elizabeth had never seen before. He had black hair, and eyes that were a familiar dark blue color. But, she couldn’t quite place where she had seen them before.

He did, in fact, look downright evil. Something that she was somewhat used to seeing, but still didn’t like.

He leaned casually against the door frame, as if he always went banging into rooms unannounced.

His nonchalant attitude made Elizabeth almost instantly not like him.

Kyle seemed unfazed by the sudden intrusion and simply looked at the boy in the doorway with a calm expression on his face.

Finally after several moments of silence, Kyle spoke, “What do you want, Eric? In case you didn’t notice. I’m rather busy right now. There’s a reason why the door was shut. Have you ever heard of knocking?”

The boy, now known as Eric, snorted. “Yes, I have. Thank you very much. It just so happens that this is very urgent and I knew if I had knocked you wouldn’t have let me in.”

Kyle sighed, “Fine, then what is so important?”

“Carson wants to talk to you.” He answered simply. Elizabeth looked confused. Who the hell was that? But neither of the boys noticed her, they were too intent at staring at the each other.

“Can’t it wait? I am kind of busy right now.”

Eric looked at him, “It’s about-” he glanced towards Elizabeth before responding “her.” he said, “And judging by his rather livid mood, I’m pretty sure it’s not good news either.”

“And what could he possibly need to talk about that concerns me?” she asked. Though she was quite sure that she already knew the answer to that question.

Both boys ignored her, not that she was surprised.

“Fine, don’t answer me.” Still nothing, she sighed again.

Kyle was quiet for several long moments, before he got up “Fine, I’ll go talk to him. I’ll leave you to watch her and if you so much as do anything to her that she does not like, I will maim you permanently, got it?” Kyle growled in a low threatening voice at the boy before he stalked past him and out of the room.

The boy continued to stand in the doorway, staring at her for several moments after Kyle had left them alone. “You know, if you take a picture, it’ll last longer.” she stated sarcastically, crossing her arms over her chest.

He smirked at her remark, “Well, I do believe that you are quite humorous.”

She just stared at him, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” she asked, glaring at him.

The boy shrugged.

“Whatever. You can leave now. I can take care of myself, I don’t need a babysitter.”

He smirked again, “And risk you running away? I don't think so!” he said as he stepped into the room and closed the door. She gulped as she heard the lock click. Now, she was just a little frightened at being left alone with this psycho…

She grabbed onto the nearest thing which happened to be the bedside table lamp and proceeded to banish it threateningly in front of herself, like a shield of sorts. He just smiled at her antics, a very predatory, sadistic smile. A smile that she did not like the looks of…

He took a few steps towards her and the bed. She brandished the lamp out, “Don’t you dare come any closer!” but the threat fell on deaf ears, for all he did was take a few steps closer to her. That look still planted firmly on his face.

She made a swipe at him as he got too close; he just dodged the swing and proceeded to make a grab for the object, but she jerked it out of his reach. “Now, come on, give me the lamp, dear, before someone gets hurt.” He held his hand out expectantly.

“Don’t call me ‘dear’, you jerk!” she snarled, “and get away from me” she waved the lamp in his face again. “And if anyone is going to get hurt, it’s going to be you if you don’t get the hell away from me!”

He just smiled, “Are you sure about that, dear? What about last time, hmm? Who got hurt last time?” he asked, cocking his head to one side.

She nearly dropped the lamp at her sudden surprise. She had thought that those deep blue eyes had looked familiar! And the voice, how could she not have recognized the voice! It was exactly like the voice she had heard before she had been violated. How could she forget such a cold, heartless voice?

“You.” she growled the word out.

He gave her a knowing smile, “I knew you would remember me. Now, put the lamp down, like a good girl.” She glared at him, now extremely pissed at the new realization, he had raped her!

“Get away from me, you sick, perverted bastard!” she nearly screeched at him. He winced slightly at the high pitched noise that her voice made. She smirked at his reaction, glad that she had caused him some discomfort. Though, it was minimal, at least she had still done it.

“Aw, you were so cooperative before, what happened?” he asked in a sickening sweet voice that made her gag.

“Well, it’s not like I had much of a choice in the matter!” she snarled, “Now get away from me!” she wielded the lamp in front of his face again.

He only smirked, as he made a grab for the object once again, and failed as she took it out of his reach before he could get a grip on it.

He made another attempt to grab at the thing that she was mockingly brandishing in front of him and this time she did what she should have done five minutes ago. She whacked him right on his head. He gave a startled gasp, before he crumpled, so his upper half was on the bed but his lower half was on the floor.

Elizabeth got up, shaking and scared out of her mind. She placed the lamp back on the table and proceeded to make her way to the door. Casting glances at the man on the floor behind her the whole way, just making sure that he wouldn’t suddenly get up and attack her unawares. Since, he was a vampire God only knew how long he would stay unconscious.

She unlocked the door and grasped the knob; she glanced at the body once more before she swiftly opened the door and ran smack into something. A very hard something. Said something happened to be the chest of someone else. She glanced up and her eyes met hazel. She gulped. Kyle didn’t look very happy…

“What do you think your doing?” he growled, glancing from her to the unmoving body of Eric on the bed. “What the hell happened?” he asked.

Elizabeth was about to respond when a groan was heard from where Eric lay and he slowly sat up, “You are going to pay for that, you little bitch.” he muttered darkly as he turned around and his eyes widened as he saw Kyle standing in the doorway. “Oh, hey Kyle.” he muttered sheepishly.

“What did you do to her, Eric?” Kyle asked.

“Me? Oh, so it’s my fault, is it?” Eric as, sounding somewhat offended, “how do you know it wasn’t her fault?” he asked darkly, glaring at Elizabeth.

Kyle rolled his eyes, “Because, I know her. And I know that she doesn’t attack unless she's provoked.” he explained, eying Elizabeth as she stood behind him, using him as a shield from Eric. He saw the fear in her eyes and he was certain that it was real. “Now tell me what the hell you did to her that made her pretty much knock you out, or do I have to beat it out of you?” he glared at him.

Eric didn’t say anything, and Kyle was getting impatient. “He was one of them.” A meek and small voice stated from behind him, he turned his head to look at her. She looked utterly terrified. He had never seen her like this before; even when he had tried to provoke her and scare her shitless he had never gotten that look of terror from her. And he understood what she said after only a few seconds of processing it.

“You were one of the ones that raped her, weren’t you Eric?” he snarled, his face turning darker then Elizabeth had ever seen it.

Eric shrugged, “Well, Kyle, you weren’t taking proper advantage of her. I felt that I had no choice but to step in and fix that little problem.”

“You son of a bitch.” Kyle muttered, darkly, “There’s a reason I had her marked. Do you not know what that means? My mark signifies that she’s mine and only I am allowed to touch her in such a way!”

“Then why didn’t you, Kyle?” he asked, “You had plenty of opportunities.”

“Because for one thing, that is not a reason for which I have her. She is not here for my pleasure nor is she here for my sexual entertainment.” Kyle explained, “And secondly, I only marked her in hopes of keeping perverted bastards, such as yourself, away from her!” Kyle finished in a very dark voice. Elizabeth was quite sure that she had never seen him this angry before.

It was quiet for several moments before Kyle quite suddenly shoved her out into the hallway and proceeded to slam the door in her face, but not before saying, “Don’t go anywhere.” Like she was planning to do any of that, the last thing she wanted to do was run into another one of the men that had raped her last night. God only knew what would happen, especially with Kyle being with Eric and supposedly fighting him. She could here grunts and growls coming from inside the room, but that was about it. And they didn’t help her in trying to figure out which noise belonged to which boy. She finally gave up in trying to figure it out and just sat outside the door, staring intently at it and listening to the fight that was obviously going on within.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Elizabeth wasn’t sure how long the fight between the two boys lasted, since she was sitting out in the hallway, there was no way to tell how long it took. But if she had to make a guess, she figured it probably lasted only about ten minutes. She was staring blankly at the wall when the door flew open and a very bruised Eric stepped out, he sent her a glare. Though it took her a second to realize that because one of his eyes was practically bruised shut and even though the other one was still opened all the way, she was pretty sure that it would be bruised very very soon…

He sulked down the hallway, only after stopping and giving her a very menacing look. She didn’t like the look he was sending her… as usual, it made her very uncomfortable. She sent him a glare of her own and continued to do so until he was out of sight.

Kyle emerged from the room after Eric had disappeared around the corner of the hallway. He didn’t look too bad, he looked better then Eric did… She guessed that that proved who had really “won” the fight. Or scuffle, as it might really be referred to. She actually found it quite sweet that he did such a thing. Not many boys would do something like that for her, especially when they barely seemed to know her. But as soon as the idea surfaced, she pushed it aside and tried not to gag at the thought. There was nothing sweet about the gesture, he was just making it quite clear who she happened to belong to. It had nothing to do with sweetness and everything to do with possession. At least that’s what she told herself.

“Good, you stayed.” Was the first thing he said to her after several moments of silence.

She scoffed, “Like I wanted to go running into another psycho around here?” she asked, looking at him skeptically, “I mean, really is there any sane person around here?” she asked, as she got up and leaned against the wall across from the bedroom door.

He smirked, but didn’t respond as he stepped toward her and grabbed her arm. His grip was loose, looser then she had expected it to be. It wasn’t the usual vice like grip that she was use to him using when it came to dragging her from place to place. She stared dumbly at his hand on her upper arm as she allowed him to lead her back into the room with no resistance.

He let go of her once she was in and as he closed the door she made her way to the bed, covering herself up and bringing her legs up and resting her chin on her sheet covered knees. Kyle sat in the desk chair. They stared at each other for a couple of long seconds, but, to Elizabeth it felt a hell of a lot longer before she finally got the nerves to break the silence, “Why did you do that?” she asked in a very small voice. She was shaking slightly due to the ordeal that she had just been put through. That Eric boy had scared the crap out of her.

He didn’t answer right away nor did his stoic expression change but she knew he had heard her.

After several more seconds of silence instead of answering he got up and made his way over to the bed. Elizabeth backed away, not trusting his moves in the slightest. He smirked slightly at her actions as he sat down at the foot of the bed. She noticed right away that he made no move to get any closer to her, he sat as far away from her as he could.

Her body muscles unclenched and she let out a breath that she didn’t know she had been holding when she realized that he had no intention of getting closer.

He sat and stared at her for several long and very drawn out seconds before he finally responded with a shrug,

“I don’t like it when a man takes advantage of a woman, like Eric did to you.” he answered, surprising her with his response.

She looked at him, confused and somewhat unbelieving. That just couldn’t be… he was a psycho… and what she couldn’t understand was what psycho would not love the idea of taking advantage of a woman when she is in a state such as the state Elizabeth was in?

“You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?” he asked, “I’m not a psycho, Elizabeth. I don’t enjoy hurting a woman just for the sake of doing so. The only time I have ever hurt you was to get my point across, that’s it. I would never want to sexually assault you, the whole idea disgusts me.”

She looked at him and it was quite clear that she didn’t really believe him, not that he was surprised; he couldn’t really believe what he was saying either. Not that the words weren’t true, it was just a surprise at who he happened to be sharing them with.

“Don’t look at me like that. It can’t be that hard to believe. I’m not that cruel.” he stated,

“Really?” she muttered before he could continue speaking. “Could have fooled me.”

“I only come across as a hard ass because I want you to get the idea that I am cruel and I will do bad things to you if you provoke me. Luckily for you, you’ve been relatively good and I have yet to go to drastic measures in order to get some cooperation out of you.” he paused here before continuing, “Besides, I told you that I wouldn’t hurt you unless I had to, and in case you don’t remember, I have never been called a liar.”

She just stared at him, at a lost for words. But, really… what could she say to that? It wasn’t everyday that some rather psychotic boy that supposedly didn’t really like you beat up some other boy who had cruelly raped you. Stuff like that just never happened… it was strange and she found herself not believing him anyway.

She glanced at her knees for several long moments, “Why are you telling me this?” she asked looking up and nearly jumping in surprise at the close proximity they happened to be in. And she realized too late that she had backed herself into the headboard and realized that there was no where to go… she tended to do that a lot…

She looked at him in a somewhat defensive position, waiting for him to try something. She honestly expected him to bite her. But, that wasn’t his intention and she discovered that relatively quickly when his lips met hers in what could only be described as a soft peck.

She hadn’t even realized that she had closed her eyes, until she had opened them a few seconds later when they pulled apart. She stared at him, mouth gaping open. She couldn’t find her voice for several minutes, she finally spoke after several moments of silence between the two, “What-”

But, he cut her off when he kissed her again, this time it was longer and more demanding. And she found it incredibly difficult to pull away. Especially since he happened to be a much better kisser then David was. His lips were soft and just perfect.

She groaned involuntarily which made him growl in response and just deepen the kiss even more. She tried to pull away, she was starting to lose oxygen, but he would have none of that, he just followed her mouth wherever it went and didn’t budge when she tried to shove him away. The only thing this did was put them in a very compromising position. He was now lying on top of her and she was very well aware of how aroused he happened to be. She scrunched her nose up in disgust and continued her attempts at getting him off of her. And quite suddenly he abided by her wishes and actually stopped his assault on her mouth. He was still lying on top of her, but at least now she could breathe freely.

They stared at each other for several moments. Elizabeth was trying to catch her breath and was lost for words anyway. Kyle, on the other hand, was placid as could be; it didn’t even look like he had been part of quite a long, drawn out make out session just seconds before.

Before she could even speak however, Kyle placed a finger on her mouth, preventing her from speaking and whispered, so quietly, even their close proximity made it difficult for her to hear, “Because I think I’m falling in love with you.” Her eyes widened at that statement. He merely chuckled but didn’t elaborate on the subject. He just got up and left her lying on the bed, still breathing hard and now more confused then ever.

She heard the lock click into place and knew that she was trapped in a world where everything was changing, an idea that she was not at all fond of.

___________________________________________________________________

David stared blankly at the ceiling above him. Trying to figure out a way to get out of this whole mess, but nothing came to mind. Well, some things did, he just couldn’t think of any good ideas. He groaned as he got up and looked at his clock, 11:30. He had that meeting with Kyle in thirty minutes, not that he wanted to go. He could keep the girl for all he cared.

He groaned again, as he got up, might as well go, Darren would be pissed if he didn’t. He began lacing up his shoes tying the knots extra tightly due to his anger at this whole mess. Once he was done he left his room, heading for the stairs, but a voice stopped him, “Going already?” he recognized Nicole’s voice right away.

“Yes, are you happy?” he asked, turning around to look at her, she stood against the wall, not too far from where he was.

“Very.” she said simply, “I don’t care what you say David, but your actions speak a hell of a lot louder then your words.” she said knowingly.

“What is that suppose to mean?” he asked.

“I think you very well know what I mean, David. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.”

“Whatever you say, Nicole, I have a job to do, unlike you.” he growled dangerously, he wasn’t in the mood to discuss this right now, he just wanted to go meet that bastard and get it over with. He turned on his heel and left the girl standing in the hallway.

Nicole shook her head sadly at the retreating figure, his whole denial stage was lasting far longer then it should have. If David didn’t get out of it soon, then Nicole was going to have to take drastic measures… how she was going to do that, she was not really quite sure of… all she knew was David liked Elizabeth and she was the only person that could get them together and have then stay that way.

___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth had yet to move from the spot on the bed where Kyle had left her. She sat staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell had just commenced in the very bed she found herself in not thirty minutes ago? It made no sense, first David and now Kyle? What made even less sense was the fact that Kyle seemed to hate the idea of love in the first place. She remembered how he seemed completely sickened by David’s somewhat “feelings” for her.

There was a catch, there had to be. He kissed her in order to do something, to prove something to her. That something, she wasn’t too clear about, but she knew that he had to have a motive. He wouldn’t kiss her, not because he loved her. There was another reason, there had to be.

Elizabeth sat up only when she heard keys jingling outside the door. She expected it to be Kyle, and she saw this as a perfect opportunity to show him that she wouldn’t fall for his little “I love you” trick so easily. She grabbed the lamp from the table and was preparing to use it if she needed it. Especially against that bastard, if he decided to grace her with his presence.

It wasn’t Kyle and she didn’t recognize who stepped into the room, so she still held on to the lamp for protection from the new person who had entered the room. It was a boy; as usual… she had a feeling that she was the only female in the place. He had blonde hair that was so blonde it looked white. His eyes were a beautiful shade of ice blue. And she had a hard time believing that something so good looking could be something so evil.

His eyes widened when he saw her and what she happened to be brandishing in her hand. He held up his own hands in mock defeat, “Whoa, I’m not going to hurt you, I saw Eric. I know not to get on Kyle’s bad side.” he said as he stepped into the room, never taking his eyes off the so called weapon that she held in her hands. “Now, put the lamp down…” he coaxed her as he moved closer to her.

“Who are you?” she asked suspiciously, not stopping in her waving of the object in front of her, it made her feel better knowing that she had some form of weapon if this boy tried anything.

“My name’s Jeremy. And I’m not going to hurt you.” he said again. And Elizabeth found herself lowering the lamp just a little bit. He smiled at her, “that’s it, put the nice lamp down.” he sounded like he was speaking to a two year old, “I’m not going to hurt you, I swear.” He repeated.

“Then what are you doing in here?” she asked suspiciously. Not yet truly believing him. The last boy that was in here, had tried to sexually assault her again.

“Kyle wanted me to see if you were hungry. Or really, if you were in the mood to eat.” he explained, shrugging slightly.

She looked at him, of course she was a little hungry, but the question was whether she trusted him or not? “Why didn’t he come himself?” she asked. But thinking how grateful, she was that he wasn’t here; God only knew what she would do to him.

“Because he’s busy, now are you hungry or not?” he asked, sounding slightly annoyed at the questioning, Kyle had told him that she wouldn’t be this suspicious.

“Well, I guess I am a little hungry.” she said right before her stomach answered with a growl of its own. She wasn’t aware that she had been that hungry. “Okay, maybe I’m more then just a little hungry,” she added, smiling slightly at her stomach’s noise of affirmation to the question that was asked.

“Well, come with me then.” he said as he turned around and headed for the door, “I’ll take you to the kitchen.”

“Wait, you’re letting me out of this room?” she asked, sounding surprised. “And you have a kitchen?” she asked, well, that was really strange, what clan of vampires had a kitchen? Though the more she thought about it the more she realized that they had to have a kitchen, because otherwise how would they had fed her all other times? Sometimes she amazed herself with her own stupidity.

“Yes, I am. Now, come on I don’t have all day.” He motioned to her and she got up and followed him out the door and down the hallway.

The place was a maze, Elizabeth tried to keep track of how many turns they made and how many steps they went down, but eventually gave up. After what had to have been ten minutes, they stepped into a kitchen. It wasn’t much, just an average kitchen, with cabinets lining one wall and a table in the center. There was another door on the opposite wall which she was somewhat curious as to where it led to., but didn't bother asking because she was sure the boy wouldn't give her an answer.

The boy, Jeremy began gathering the items he would need in order to make her a sandwich. Oh, how she loved how he didn’t even bother to ask what she wanted. Though, she wasn't really too surprised at the action.

After several moments, time that was spent in total silence between the two, he placed a plate on the table in front of her. On the plate was a ham sandwich. Next to the plate, he placed a bottle of water. She glanced at the items placed before her, “Thanks” she muttered.

He shrugged, indifferently as he sat down across from her. “So… where is Kyle anyway?” she asked curiously, not really expecting an answer. But, she was surprised when she actually got one.

“He’s a little busy at the moment.” was all he said.

“Busy?” she asked curiously, “with what?”

“It doesn’t concern you.” he said.

She watched him, trying to see if there was anything in his facial expression or body language that gave away any sort of idea. But, he was very good at not giving anything away. “Really? Well, that's strange, since when does his business not concern me?”

The boy just looked at her, “Finish your sandwich.” he said after several moments of silence, as he spoke he nodded towards the half eaten sandwich on the plate in front of her. “And no more questions.”

“Fine.” She muttered, not feeling like pushing the matter any further.

She finished her food relatively quickly after that and it wasn’t long before she found herself back in Kyle’s bedroom, “Stay in here, Kyle will be back soon.” Was the last thing the boy said before he left her alone, locking the door behind him.

She sighed, glancing around the room, now what?


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82 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 82

Donate
Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:28 pm
chayonz says...



wheres the next one?? im soo excited to read it!!




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Points: 890
Reviews: 55

Donate
Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:16 pm
Heatherish wrote a review...



wow i just read all 18 (?) chapters and i am hooked on your story. first and foremost let me say that i like your writing style a lot and that i cannot wait until you post a new chapter. having said that there are some things i can critique on:
-ok well Elizabeth curses a lot. i do too so im not one to talk but in a story it can be a bit much at times. its fine that she DOES curse because it seems to be part of her character, i just think she does it too often sometimes. also i like the idea of her reserving the particular word "bastard" for David. she seems to call him that almost every time and i think it might be cute if she only called him a bastard and no one else.

-another thing i noticed is that you tend to have run on sentences. they are usually broken up by commas but still, most of them can be two sentences and sound that much better

-i also find it odd that like 75% or more of the vampires you describe have blue eyes. we all know that blue eyes are pretty but maybe you should throw some more brown in there because it is the most common eye color

-i also notice you tend to repeat sayings or words too many times in a paragraph. i dont have a specific example right now but if you want i will go back and find some for you. just let me know if that is the case.

-also, sometimes the style (?) of the story confuses me. it seems like it is mostly about Elizabeth and not FROM her point of view but the narrator tells the reader of her thoughts. then there will be a page break and it will be someone elses thoughts. i like that idea a lot because it adds dimension, however in the middle of one persons story you sometimes flip to reveal others thoughts. i dont know if you meant to do that or not but sometimes it can be confusing, especially in the beginning.

-i also think that you shouldnt use the word "boys" too much. i am assuming that they all look fairly young but to use "boys" all the time is redundant and makes them sound less frightening.

-i also think that sometimes the vampires talk a little too immaturely for being as old as they are. for instance i notice that i think they have said "thank you very much" in a sarcastic manner two or three times. i wouldnt expect a vampire to say a phrase like that that often.

-the only other slight problem i have is that Elizabeth was just raped but you dont once mention her being sore at all. i know you said that you are taking that part out anyway so if you dont feel it is necessary to go back and change that is fine too.

i think that is it for now. i plan on re-reading your story in the next few days so if i find anything more i will definitely let you know. i might even start posting after each chapter if i feel like its necessary. you have a really good style of writing and i love the way you describe things. please dont be discourage by lack of comments. i have had a few chapters of a story up for days and have gotten comments from one girl consistently. i know how it is but i AM really interested and i WILL be looking for future posts. also if you dont mind my criticism i have no problem giving it in the future.

if you have any questions or want me to elaborate further dont hesitate to pm me or leave a comment back on this. i'll check it. Good job (again)!!




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Fri Dec 14, 2007 3:29 pm
chayonz wrote a review...



omg!! yay!! Im soo glad you finally wrote this! I was waiting forever!!

I don't really see any corrections that need to be made. I'm not the type of person who goes and edits everything i read but there was one thing that caught my attention.

this part:

"There was a catch, there had to be. He kissed her in order to do something, to prove something to her. That something, she wasn’t too clear about, but she knew that he had to have a motive. He wouldn’t kiss her, not because he loved her. There was another reason, there had to be."

You wrote "there had to be" twice. I know that you did that just to emphasize your point but it doesn't flow very well. So try to take the first one out.

So just write "there was a catch. He kissed her....." blah blah blah... yea??

Well i can't wait to read the next one! Im dying tooo!!! byeee!!





Okay, first of all, who names their dinner? I don't want to know my dinner's name. This potato--is this potato named Steve?
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer